confidential to "squirt"

I'm thinking of you. I'm proud of you. You have taken control and are taking care of yourself, and that makes you unfuckwithable. *HUGS AND SUPPORT*

a finer caliber

first, a confessional: my embarrassing revelation, which came before the quoted segment of the IM conversation in the last blog entry was that i had wanted to kiss "HER:" during a previous evening together, but had been uncertain how it'd be received and so had refrained. i got a small ration of shit for posting her "embarrassing bits" but not mine. personally, i thought i did plenty of self-embarrassment by posting the conversation in the first place, but now, hopefully, we're even.

second, to put too fine a point on this ramble about "all that matters", here goes:

ME: that's by far the least embarrassing course of action. :) but sometimes you have to hang it out there and embarrass yourself to get what you want.

you do, sometimes, have to embarrass yourself to get what you want. as the old saying goes: nothing ventured, nothing gained. at some point, at some level, in order to get anywhere in a romantic encounter, you have to make a move. you have to start a gambit, and that gambit has to leave your defenses down somewhere, and that makes you vulnerable to embarrassment at best, pain at worst. vulnerability has its cost, but its reward is that it creates the possibility of a truly open and soulful connection. you have to risk the pain and embarrassment to reap the reward, no way around it. as i once told a dear friend: "i know you've developed a really good suit of armor, but sometimes you have to stick your nose out there and look around. if it gets chopped off, you can find a plastic surgeon. if it doesn't, you might get kissed." i later chopped his nose off, but he found a plastic surgeon and we managed to stay friends.

ME: i'm so much more flustered by women than i am by men, and i think it's largely because i care more about the women. if it doesn't work out with a guy, or if we get our signals crossed, i can drop him like a dirty kleenex, and not be bothered overmuch by the loss.

this isn't entirely accurate. i don't want any men who find themselves reading this to think i'm heartless or that i don't care or that i equate them with snotty, germy disposable paper products. i was trying to make a point, so i exaggerated to emphasize it. now, with that said, the point still stands. i'm just more interested in women at this point in my life than i am in men. i care more about the outcome of my interactions with women, so i get more flustered, more worried. the infamous, anonymous "HER:" was more concerned about how the women would react and whether or not she'd hurt them. that's really not something i spend much time worrying about. i have a plan for dealing with it in any given situation, which is to communicate clearly and openly about what i want and what i'm willing to give. if i feel like the other person isn't reading my communication correctly, or if i feel like they're not capable of working with the want/need/willing scenario, i avoid getting entangled. that's a longtime operating procedure for me, so i don't spend time worrying about it at this point.

HER: well just look at us biologically (if that's even a word) and it makes complete sense...sex for men is OUTSIDE of them, it is external. for women it is literally letting someone inside you - that has to affect your emotions about it in some way.
ME: it does. i think it's hormonal, too, at some level. <-- this is a new theory based on discussions with one of my trans friends.

i don't have a whole lot more to say about this, because it's a raw theory and i only have a tiny bit of anecdotal evidence behind it. i think the hormones have something to do with it, more than i gave them credit for before. testosterone has a powerful differentiating force. society and physiognomy play a role, too, in people's feelings about sex and certainly one can't generalize for the population as a whole or for either sex in particular. however, the stereotypes about how personally men and women take sex exist for a reason and they serve as a good starting point for a discussion.

HER: i joke that i wish i could take sex more casually but in truth i'm glad i don't.
ME: yeah? i get that. on the one hand, it would be nice from the "frequently satisfied" perspective. but, on the other hand, you risk a slutty reputation and leaving yourself open to bad experiences and lesbian drama.

seriously, yo. i'm not going to go into my ideas about why people gossip or what they get out of it, but i've certainly learned to keep my private stuff private. i'm not embarrassed, ashamed, bothered, worried, or shy about being a sexually active adult. i take care of my health and safety, i aim for quality over quantity, and i am responsible with other people's feelings. that said, i don't need everybody to know who's on my "list", because i know the way the rumor mill works, and i know what i've seen happen to women who didn't keep their DL on the DL. word gets around, and stuff that should NEVER EVER get you in trouble is suddenly getting you into either trouble or drama or both. so i strive to keep my shiznit to myself (yea, journaling!), certain lapses in judgment notwithstanding. i don't think anyone really gets to live a drama-free live, unless maybe they're a hermit. keeping things to myself certainly doesn't keep me from getting caught up in the drama on occasion, but NOT keeping it to myself has proven to be a certain invitation to front-center-stage-drama, which is the worst kind.

ME: nope. me, either. at one level, sex is just sex for me, it's a physical thing and that's fun and i'm glad to have it as long as it's good. on another, it can be an emotional, soulful connection with somebody, and i don't want to go spreading that around too thinly.

this is the very heart of my outlook on sex. i have two very different types of sex, and they do different things for me emotionally. physically, they're identical. i may have to come back to this topic later, because i feel like i have a lot more to say about it, but for now that's all i can articulate clearly.

i've got a very good compartmentalizer in my emotional makeup, so i can keep those two things separated, but i find it's hard for me to have both kinds of sex with the same person. if it's sex, it's just sex. if we make love, we make love, but i can't go back and forth.

this was the true gem of self-discovery from this conversation. i had already defined for myself the separation between sex and lovemaking (i know that's a slightly cheesy, heavily loaded term, but it conveys the idea as well as i know how. i hope the distinction is apparent.) and how they work differently for me. i had never thought about the possibility that i could have both kinds of sex with a single partner. i have and i'm sure will again go from physical sex to emotionally-involved sex with one person. i've never gone the other way, and don't think i could.

that's why i'm completely baffled by the people who have booty calls with their exes. once i've severed that sort of emotional bond with someone, i can't go back and have a purely physical experience with them.

i need to revise this significantly. i DO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND how people go back to their exes for booty calls. the kernel of physical attraction that was a part of the relationship doesn't always end when the emotional entanglement ends. (don't ask me how i know that!) if i were to let my zipper make the decision, i could certainly end up in the sack with an ex. however, it would be a HUGE strain on my compartmentalizer and i think at some point (probably after some mugging and heavy petting) i'd bow out. the reason i haven't/don't/won't end up banging an ex is that i don't let my zipper make my decisions for me. so, that said, i UNDERSTAND it, i just don't DO it.

...that caliber a confessional conversation...

so i had an unusually deep IM conversation with a friend i'm going out with tonight. i guess she's something more than a friend, at this point. she's a crush. i was going to cut and paste bits of the conversation and turn them into a regular blog post, and i still might. but for now, to get my post started, is the conversation, mostly as it occurred. there are some temporal skips i've rearranged, and i've erased names of people where it was appropriate to do so.


HER: i wanted dinner to be a date but didn't know if it was a date because it's hard to tell if it is hanging out or a date...plus i always err on the side of caution...
ME: that's by far the least embarassing course of action. :) but sometimes you have to hang it out there and embarass yourself to get what you want.
HER: ...so i consulted my wise lesbian friend [name removed] to find out how you know the difference. i caught a lot of shit for that.
ME: LOL. what did she say was the difference?
HER: i don't feel that i got a good answer....she asked me how I felt about it and what I thought about you which has nothing to do with if it is reciprocated and a date or not so i walked away thinking that the wise lesbian sage might just be a babbling old lady. :) her answer was that it boiled down to intent...if my intention was to get to know you and see if I like-like you then it is a date.
ME: yeah, i agree with her. that's about it. :)
HER: brother - dating men was so much easier - you knew for sure. i don't ever remember wondering if i was going on a date or just hanging out.
ME: indeed. it's not hard to tell with them, for some reason. women are SOOOOO frickin' ambiguous.
HER: and i'm so much more forward w/men than i am w/women. i guess because they are easier to read.
ME: i'm so much more flustered by women than i am by men, and i think it's largely because i care more about the women. if it doesn't work out with a guy, or if we get our signals crossed, i can drop him like a dirty kleenex, and not be bothered overmuch by the loss.
HER: agreed. i'm very aware when dating women that they feel more and differently than men would. men can shrug it off easier too - women have a harder time...part of the reason i wouldn't do anything with young hot [2nd name removed]- if it were a guy i wouldn't have a moral dillema, they are better at compartmentalizing than women are...ah! i have a meeting...be back in a bit.
*BRIEF INTERMISSION*
HER: so where were we...
ME: women don't compartmentalize as well as men do. and they don't separate sex from love as well as men do.
HER: well just look at us biologically (if that's even a word) and it makes complete sense...sex for men is OUTSIDE of them, it is external. for women it is literally letting someone inside you - that has to affect your emotions about it in some way.
ME: it does. i think it's hormonal, too, at some level. <-- this is a new theory based on discussions with one of my trans friends.
HER: really? more please...did their feelings about it change after being on hormones?
ME: yes. he became very interested in porn, for one thing. and he used to be the type who had to be in LOVE with anyone he slept with. now, he can just fsck for fun, and love is a whole other game.
HER: well huh. that's very interesting. maybe i need a little more testosterone.
ME: :) i like you all estrogenated, thanks. testosterone also gave him acne, road rage and chest hair.
HER: well then nevermind...i think i'll stay the girly girl i am. :)
ME: yeah, probably for the best. no woman i know needs help growing hair on her chest. :)
HER: i joke that i wish i could take sex more casually but in truth i'm glad i don't.
ME: yeah? i get that. on the one hand, it would be nice from the "frequently satisfied" perspective. but, on the other hand, you risk a slutty reputation and leaving yourself open to bad experiences and lesbian drama.
HER: drama. yuck. not a fan.
ME: nope. me, either. at one level, sex is just sex for me, it's a physical thing and that's fun and i'm glad to have it as long as it's good. on another, it can be an emotional, soulful connection with somebody, and i don't want to go spreading that around too thinly. i've got a very good compartmentalizer in my emotional makeup, so i can keep those two things separated, but i find it's hard for me to have both kinds of sex with the same person. if it's sex, it's just sex. if we make love, we make love, but i can't go back and forth. that's why i'm completely baffled by the people who have booty calls with their exes. once i've severed that sort of emotional bond with someone, i can't go back and have a purely physical experience with them.
HER: that makes sense...i don't know how well my compartmentalizer works these days - i've been a serial monogamist for a while so i haven't tried it out...and probably lean much more to the emotional that the sport side...sporting still requires a level of trust to me - any time i've had a sport buddy it's been a friend that i trust but that there is a detachment emotionally.
ME: wow. self-discovery moment. until i typed that out, i'd never really thought about why i was so boggled by stories of people sleeping with their exes. yeah. if you're going to have a regular sport buddy, it has to be someone you have a level of respect and trust with, i would imagine. i've never had one, so i don't know. :)
HER: i've never had a female one...so i don't know how well that would work. my male sporting buddy was in my 20's and someone that i really cared about and respected but we were long-time friends and when we moved on it was clean and fine...i think it was an exception rather than something i could see repeating again. i think these days sleeping with someone who didn't want to date me would be bad for my self-image.
ME: really? even if you didn't want to date the other person, either? what if it was mutual?
HER: well i can't really see me wanting to sleep with someone i don't want to date...i don't know...i haven't thought it through that well. there could be a circumstance where it would be OK - but in general i think it would translate in to my head that i'm good enough for a romp but not good enough for dating...but that's not how i would think of the other person so basically i'm just writing about stuff that hasn't come up in a long time and i don't really know how i'd feel about it.
ME: this is all pretty deep for IM. i almost feel like i'm journaling, having to write out how i feel about subjects i've never spent a lot of time defining my position on.
HER: if i had the same situation again that i had before it would be OK - that was fun and it worked...
ME: understood. i'm defining my position as i go, as well. i've never had a sport buddy, so i'm not qualified to comment. :) i've envisioned situations in which it could work, and that was the defining characteristic i came up with: we would have to be mutually attracted but in agreement on the fact that we didn't want to date for whatever reason.
HER: ...but i'm a more guarded person now than i was then so i don't know if it would work now...being guarded is something i've decided to get rid of in my life so we'll see...not sure how that will change me.
ME: i applaud the effort.
HER: effort of dropping guards?
HER: or efforts of getting a sport buddy. :)
ME: it's hard to let your defenses down, because it's scary as hell. it's also the most rewarding thing you can ever do, because there is nothing like the feeling you get from a totally truly open connection with a worthy soul.
HER: that's very true. i used to say that the worst that could happen was that i'd get hurt and i've been hurt before and i lived through it just fine ...i liked that attitude...
ME: it's a good one to have.
HER: ...but this last year i've been closed off and unwilling to really just be vulnerable...it's time to go back to being my true self and not my scared self. but a smarter self who is better at judging who is worthy and who isn't.
ME: sometimes that defensive phase is part of healing, though. you HAVE to withdraw so you can get your balance back and be open in a healthy way.
HER: that's true. and when healing it is easy to transfer feelings rather than develop them.
ME: hrmm... what do you mean by that?
ME: (in the style of : curious, not snidely challenging)
HER: so you are in the healing process and are far enough along to step out there and start dating...
ME: k
HER: ...if you haven't put up some distance or a bit of a wall, when you start developing feelings/interest in someone, you run the risk of transferring the unresolved feelings for your ex (because you are in the healing process still) on to the person you are seeing...
ME: oh, yes. i get that. i've been on the receiving end of that before.
HER: ...instead of developing them for that person by that person's merits without the past tagging along. so while it makes it hard to be open to others, it also keeps you from bringing whatever it is you're still working on to the next experience.
ME: yeah.
HER: i have too. (been on the receiving end) - it's a weird feeling to know that what they are feeling so intensely has nothing to do with you.
ME: exactly. i had no idea where this rage in my ex was coming from, or why she kept going back to mistrusting me... i finally figured out that it was baggage, not ME.
HER: i know everyone has their baggage, everyone brings their past in to some extent - it's just really important to me to make peace with the past so it doesn't harm my future.
ME: yup. there's a fine line to walk between learning from past mistakes and being haunted by them. it's a delicate balance.
HER: i did a good job of that after [3rd name removed], but i did a lousy job of allowing myself to feel. my actions were great, my communication was excellent, but my heart and head were so disconnected...and i don't like to be unbalanced like that and think i learned a lot from those experiences and can apply the lessons.
HER: goodness, this really is like a journal IM.
ME: i know. i almost feel like i should save the chatlog and put it in my blog. (change names to protect the guilty, of course, and edit out the more embarassing bits) i don't think i will, but it's that caliber of confessional convo.
HER: you can. i don't care...except you should leave the embarassing things in for entertainment value. :)

body modification and body art...

i've been itching to get something else "done" lately. it's like when i've been away from theater or choir for too long, i get a bug and have to get back to it again. there's something in my soul that needs these things periodically. other examples of things i periodically need are:

• mellow evenings with red wine
• time on the ocean
• alone time
• buttered popcorn
• challenging mental puzzles
• recreational reading
• action flicks
• my godsons
• FACE TIME with dear friends
• camping
• body art

i'm REALLY particular about tattoos. i know i'm not unique in this, but i point it out because there are also many people who aren't so inclined. many (especially in the 20 and 30-something age groups) see tattoos as a way to record their current events. i see tattoos as a way to immortalize those things which are eternal and DEEPLY personal. i have one tattoo. it's rich in symbology and says in about 4 different ways how crucial balance is to me. i see life, the universe, and everything as collections of opposing forces. i strive to understand what forces are involved and how to balance them in everything i do and everything i face. thus, my tattoo encapsulates my worldview in a single, elegant, beautiful display. if you would understand me, you must understand that display.

now, since i have the bug to do another tattoo or piercing, i'm thinking about symbology again. the problem with a tattoo right now is that i don't have anything i really WANT tattooed on me. i don't want to have permanent art affixed to my skin to satisfy a whim. :) so i'm leaning toward a piercing at this point, because i can take it out at any time.

a piercing presents its own complications, though, because i have to choose what (from the remaining available body parts) to pierce. facial piercings are not an option, as i have a RealJob (tm, pat pend) which demands that i deal with a clientele who are not amused by facial piercings. i have a very small, very unobtrusive nose stud, which marks me as a member of the freak fringe in my profession. i'm not going to be able to get away with an eyebrow, tongue, or lip piercing, EVER.

i could get a cartilage piercing on my upper ear, but that doesn't appeal to me for a few reasons. i have massively thick, outrageously curly hair which i wear long most of the time. i don't want my hair getting wrapped around, tangled in, or caught on an earring, and i don't want to accidentally yank on it every time i'm washing or styling or foofing with my hair. i've already given up on hoopy or dangly earrings for regular wear for this very reason. furthermore, i have two piercings in each of my earlobes already, and getting those didn't give me the same rush* that i get from other piercings or from my tattoo.

i can't get a navel ring because i've already had my navel pierced twice. it didn't heal up correctly either time, and now there's too much scar tissue in the piercing zone to be able to get a good piercing there. furthermore, after two unsuccessful piercings in that location, i don't really want to try it again. anyone who's ever had a piercing that developed a keloid or got infected or didn't heal cleanly knows what a phenomenal pain in the butt it is to care for one... i'm not keen to go through the labor of post-piercing care on it all over again, either.

my nipples are as pierced as they're ever going to get. in order to avoid sharing Too Much Information (tm, pat pend), i'll leave that statement hanging out there in glorious ambiguity. if you want to know what it means, you'll have to get to know me.

so, that pretty much leaves a hood piercing, which i'm not sold on, either. i've honestly never considered it a possibility until this round with "the bug". i don't know enough about the potential health effects or maintenance requirements or anything else to know if i want to get one.

so i'm doing cautious and skeptical research, and i'm taking suggestions for alternate locations that i haven't considered yet. any ideas? input? suggestions? i'm also looking for a good piercing artist in the d/fw metroplex. i have a lead on one down in the oak lawn neighborhood, but i haven't met her yet. i've also heard that deep ellum is a good place to go for that sort of thing, but again, i'm just starting my research, so i only have vague info at this point.

*rush - i think the main reason i get this bug for body mods is that i crave the rush i get during the process and after the art is done. it's a very intense high, comparable to the overall good feeling one gets from good sex or s'mores, but more concentrated. distilled is the word that comes to mind.

campety-campety-camp-camp-camp!

i'm going camping this weekend with some friends at the rainbow ranch out near groesbeck. i don't think i've actually been in groesbeck since i was about 11 months old. apparently, my parents lived in a trailer there early in their marriage. my first christmas, and the place was so small the tree had to be placed outside.

at any rate, i'm thoroughly excited about the camping trip. the weather promises to be perfect and i love to sleep out under the stars. my dog also loves it, although she gets nutty if anyone in the campground tries to play any ball-based game in her field of view.

it's just been a long time since i went to sleep smelling of woodsmoke and i'm SO looking forward to it.

as if that weren't enough, i really enjoy the company i'm going with. good peeps, one and all, and some really special friends among them. we'd have fun no matter what we were doing, but camping just makes it even better.

now i've just gotta focus enough to get through today and tomorrow at work. i may explode with the anticipation! i'm already fidgeting at a higher frequency than usual... if you hear a sonic boom in the metroplex in the next 48 hours, it was me fidgeting through the sound barrier as the anticipation built up beyond reasonable levels.

hair color meme!

Your Hair Should Be Purple

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional. You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

on sex... (not in the fun way, in the anatomical way)

i have two transsexual (or transgender, or whatever term you prefer) friends that i consider myself close to, one who transitioned mtf and the other ftm, and i am stunned at how difficult little things in their lives are.

i'm thinking about it right now because another friend just posted a terrific message in a forum i frequent. here it is:

I am...

I am the guy who came out to the entire school in his senior speech and got a standing ovation for his courage.

I am the girl who kisses her girlfriend on the sidewalk and laughs at those who glare.

We are the couple who planned and studied and got a damn good lawyer and BEAT the state that wanted to take our child away.

We are the ones who took martial arts classes and carry pepper spray and are just too dangerous to gay bash.

I am the transgender person who uses the bathroom that suits me, and demands that any complaining staff explain their complaint to my face in front of the entire restaurant--and shares with my other trans friends which restaurants don't raise a stink.

I am the mother who told her lesbian daughter to invite her girlfriend over for dinner.

I am the father who punished his son for calling you a fag.

I am the preacher who told my congregation that love, not hate, is the definition of a true follower of God.

I am the girl who did not learn the meaning of "homosexual" until high school but never thought to question why two men might be kissing.

I am the woman who argues (quite loudly and vehemently) with the bigots who insist that you do not have the right to marry or raise children.

We are the high school class who agrees, unanimously, along with our teacher, that love should be all that matters.

If you agree, repost this. Do it. You don't have to be afraid. You can handle it. You're stronger than you think.

I am making a difference. Hate will not win.

so i've been thinking about the lives of my trans friends, and wishing there was something i could do to make it better or easier for them.

a simple example, something every one of us absolutely and totally takes for granted: which public bathroom to use. now that they're post-transition it's rarely a "big deal" to choose, but during the transition, it was HUGE. they never went into a public bathroom alone... for two years! if they went to the men's room and sat down to pee, they got strange and hostile looks, sometimes they were followed out and feared for their safety. if they went into the women's room, women would shriek and point and tell them they were in the wrong room, or whisper and giggle and make catty comments. these things didn't happen every single time, but it only has to happen once for you to fear it every time you put your hand on the door. living under that kind of apprehension of such a routine daily event is the stuff of PTSD.

another simple thing most people take for granted, like meeting and having a crush and dating... it's not that simple. at some point, you have to explain your history. when do you do that? do you introduce yourself that way? "hi, i'm kim. i'm a transwoman. cute shoes!" do you wait until you're into a date with them? "pass the breadsticks, please. in case you hadn't noticed, i'm a little on the butch side. well, that's because i was called ken until two years ago."

i'm bisexual, and i was recently lamenting the fact that i don't have "bi-dar" to go along with my "gay-dar". i can tell when women are amenable to a female advance, but i'm not good at telling with guys. in fact, i'm something of a "fag hag" and if i decide based on acquaintance-level knowledge that i'm interested in a man, chances are probably 70-30 he's gay. that doesn't hold true if i know the guys well, but that's a different story entirely and we don't have time to go into it in this post. count your blessings, gentle readers.

so, i was all set for a pity party about my absolutely absent sense of bi-dar, when i started talking about this to one of my trans friends. he's got it so much harder! how do you know whether someone is open to dating a transgendered person? there's no "open-minded-dar". if you've transitioned ftm, do you try to date lesbians or straight women? even someone who is very supportive of the political ideal and open-minded about the rights of trans-folk may not personally be interested in dating one. i know a woman who is very, very, politically lesbian. her lesbianism is a huge part of her identity, even though her attractions are pretty bisexual. she's also very supportive of the trans movement, but feels like she's undermining herself if she dates a transman. it's the ULTIMATE in the political open-mindedness scale, but it's the WORST political move to explain it. so from the outside, to people who don't know or investigate, it looks like she's sold out the party and started dating men, and is taking all the social and legal privileges that go along with that.

so that's why i'm writing all this, i guess... my ultimate aim is to humanize my transgendered friends in the minds of the people who read this. i want to take a stand and refuse to let hate and ignorance make life harder for them. would YOU date a transgendered person? you've probably never thought about it, but you should. you don't have to answer yes or no, just think about it. think about what it means, and if you don't know, do a little research. next time you see a "tranny" in the bar, don't refuse to make eye contact. don't shun him or her. if you're standing in line for a drink, make small talk, just like you would with anyone else. it matters. it makes a difference. it enriches your life.

on affection...

so, i did one of those silly blog memes recently (it's the alphabet post below) and it asked for the name of my "crush".

my first reaction was: i don't have one. wow... i haven't had one in a LOOOONGG time. has it been years? am i even capable of crushing as an adult? i don't remember having a serious crush since high school...

and then i had a cup of coffee, and my brain juices started flowing, and i recalled that i have had a few crushes along the way. it has NOT been years. *whew* i had half convinced myself that my crush-inator had withered from disuse and was no longer functioning. wouldn't that SUCK?!?!?!?! it had been a while, but that's because i was in a relationship that had settled into a comfortable zone and crushing wasn't part of it anymore. further, i'm mindful of respecting my partner in such things, and since my partner was a monogamist, i was too. so for the duration of the relationship, i avoided putting myself in the path of crushing and never allowed any such feelings to take root.

so, with the subject in the forefront of my lobes, i headed out to the bar and to various social outings this weekend. there i discovered that my crush-inator is in fine form. functioning fluidly and furiously, i might add. :) maybe it's so just because i've been thinking and worrying about it, but i discovered that there are still lots of people i know, people i meet, and people i just brush past in the bar that can flick my bic.

so, i can say with authority i've got two torch-y lusts that have been smoldering for some time, one certifiably scorching crush that threatens to sever the connection between my vocabulary and my mouth on occasion, and one mind-fsck (in the good way) that i'm keeping on a back burner because the object of my affection is not available. no sense carrying a torch that's only going to burn me, so i just admire from a distance.

glad to know i've still got it. :)

Serenity...

so i went and saw "serenity" over the weekend. it took some phenomenal schedule-wrangling and my dog had to stay locked up in the apartment for about 12 hours as a result, but it was worth it all the way! (don't pity the dog too much, she got a fantastically long fetch/swim/walk before the confinement, and she threw all my clean clothes on the floor so she could bask in a sunbeam on the couch while i was gone)

anyway, without saying too much for those who haven't seen it, the movie was outstanding. it was beautifully shot, nicely paced, and with some terrific one-liner style intelligent humor. it also featured multi-dimensional characters with some goodness and some badness, scars and bumps and such. i thoroughly enjoyed it! highly recommended, whether you dig the love story, the sci-fi angle, the action-flick styling, or just the pretty actors.

i had a terrific time hangin' out with my old roommate thursday and friday, it was so good to see him again... and then i got to catch up with the austin rugby women on saturday, which was likewise fantastic. so many good things to be happy for. :)

and of course, there were good eats. :) i had green papaya on friday, cafe brazil on saturday, and panera on sunday. panera has this obscenely good portobello/mozarella sandwich with caramelized onions and other goodies on it... wow! i had crepes with feta, avocado, and mushroom at cafe brazil, and vietnamese vegetarian hot/sour soup at green papaya. i'm spoiled! i'm never going back to college station again!

on that note, i really AM going back to college station again, in mourning. my favorite mexican dive, gina's, is closing down, apparently. they made the most wonderful from-scratch tex-mex food ever... and they are closing down. *boohoo!* so i'll make a pilgrimmage to say goodbye to gina's, but i'm definitely a fan of the food options in the metroplex. yea!

climbing the dadgum walls...

it's friday afternoon, and i'm climbing the walls to get out of here. i've got 30 minutes to go and 15 minutes of work to do. my software crashed on me, just split-seconds before i could print my work, thus throwing my early-exit plans into the rubbish heap.

it could be worse, though. my sister was supposed to move today, and she's got to be moved no later than tomorrow, but her movers wrecked their truck on the way to her house. she had a panicky hour trying to arrange a backup moving plan on short notice... if you've ever tried to get movers with less than 14 days' notice, you know how painful an experience this is. :( anyway, she managed to get some help, and she's getting her stuff moved. i'm glad i'm not dealing with her obstacles today. i'll take crashing software over crashed trucks, thanks.

the weekend outlook is good for me, too... friends coming to town, good music, state fair, etc. looking forward to the r&r...

alphabet meme

swiped from my good friend zed

[A is for age:] 30, at the moment.
[B is for booze of choice:] scotch, old single malt; or red wine, dry
[C is for career:] civil engineer/surveyor building landfills (it's more fun than it sounds like!) and a teacher/tutor for a test prep company
[D is for your dad's name:] Jim
[E is for essential items to bring to a party:] a mingly attitude, a pitcher of sangria, and good music that's not too loud (i'm a little hard of hearing)
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] Jimmy Buffett - "Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season"
[G is for favorite game:] Cranium for board games, World of Warcraft on the computer, Spades for cards, Rugby for sporting
[H is for hometown:] i live in fort worth right now, but i'm a nomad in career, life, geography, interests, everything.
[I is for instruments you play:] bassoon, trombone, a little piano, and a little guitar
[J is for jam or jelly you like:] apple butter, hazelnut spread, my late grandfather's pear preserves (he had to shoot squirrels all summer to have enough pears in the fall to can 'em!)
[K is for kids?] does my dog count? she's a hyper-spastic black lab who suits me perfectly. and i'm working on getting some fish.
[L is for living arrangements:] 2br 2ba apartment in southwest fort worth. it's right on the river, and the dog and i both love it!
[M is for mom's name:] Sharon (she's named for her grandfather!)
[N is for name of your crush:] none, at the moment. stay tuned for updates.
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] none since i was a baby and got jaundiced.
[P is for phobias:] suffocation and stagnation, in that order. see "H" for more. :)
[Q is for quotes you like:] "I got a lot of leavin' left to do." - Dierks Bentley see "H" for more. :)
[R is for relationship that lasted the longest] ironically, it was with my ex-boyfriend from high school who happens to be gay. we had an absolutely platonic relationship for 6 years off-and-on, and neither of us thought that was weird.
[S is for sexual preference:] bisexual, although i tend to prefer women slightly for relationships (at least at this stage in my life, see "H" and "P" for more.)
[T is for time you wake up:] 5 minutes before i have to be there
[U is for underwear:] underwear is like cancer. the less you've got of it, the better off you are. ;)
[V is for vegetable you love:] all of them except some of the legumes. something about that consistency really puts me off. i especially love spinach, though.
[W is for worst habit:] PROCRASTINATION. see "T" for more.
[X is for x-rays you've had:] my right thumb (age 5), my left wrist (age 10), my right ankle (age 25), my right knee (age 27), my lungs for a tuberculosis test (age 29), and my neck (age 30), plus some miscellaneous lung and face x-rays for sinus infections... do i glow in the dark? oh, and all of those really were broken, except my knee, but i'd severed the ACL. well, and i don't have tuberculosis.
[Y is for yummy food you make:] ice cream, texicali sandwiches, king ranch chicken, stew, lasagna, snapper veracruz, tamari steak
[Z is for zodiac sign:] i'm a capricorn to the hilt.

Weekend review

i slept. i skipped six flags, i skipped pride, my friend skipped driving up from austin. the only thing i had planned that i actually accomplished was cleaning up the soon-to-be-fishtank. well, and eating yummy food... that almost goes without saying. :)

i had a very nerdy discussion saturday night at the bar about john roberts, the supreme court nominee who is going through the congressional hearing process right now. my lawyer friend (who actually sits down and watches these hearings on c-span) has decided that she likes roberts. by extension, then, because i'm NOT going to sit down and watch the hearings, i like him, too. well, i don't have cable, so i couldn't watch the hearings even if i wanted to, but i don't want to. the gist of the discussion was that roberts is too smart to go on record in his hearings with a firm opinion on any politically charged issue that's likely to come before the court. he refuses to state what his position is on anything politically divisive, on the grounds that he would have to hear the facts of a case to know how he would rule on it. things that aren't politically "hot", he'll state a position and reserve the right to change his mind based on the specifics of a case. but if it's a platform issue for one of the parties, he refuses to state his position. it's a clever way to play the game, really. and that's what my friend advised me: roberts is SMART. the kind of guy who would clean your clock if you played trivial pursuit with him... so i'm not dreading his appointment so much, and i'm now turning my interest to the NEXT nominee.

and, in the weather watch, here comes hurricane rita! anyone know what happens if we use all the alphabetical names? it's only september and we're already up to "r"...

TGIF!!!

And what a Friday it's been...

But good things are coming. I've got a friend coming up from Austin to visit. I had good sushi last night. (Technically, that's come and gone, but I'm counting blessings and don't want to leave good sushi off the list, whenever it happened.) Gay pride is Sunday! Six Flags on Saturday! I'm going home to take a nap!
I have yummy food at my house that I'm looking forward to cooking over the weekend, and I've got a shiny, new (ok, it's cruddy, and dirty, and only new-to-me) fish tank to get ready to house my new roommates! That's right, I'm going to become a fish-keeper! I hope it entertains my dog...

Just as a side note: lesson learned...dirty fish tanks often have fish bio-proteins dried up in the bottom of them. fish poo! if you leave said fish tanks in your car overnight because, say, your neighbor has parked too close to you and you can't open your car door wide enough to remove the fish tank and it's too heavy to carry from a free parking space with maneuvering room, your car will REEK!!!! in the morning.

shiny, happy circuits holding hands

so, i built my computer, and it is blazing fast. it ROX! i'm thoroughly pleased with the monitor, as well. i was a little worried about lcd performance in a high-demand graphics game (like World of Warcraft) but it's doing spectacularly. i've even cranked up the video options a little bit to test how it handles more intense graphic demands, and i'm still thrilled with it.

my dog, on the other hand, is NOT amused. she doesn't understand why i sit staring at the wall for hours on end at night when i could be lying in the floor with her. it's not like i was very exciting company for her before the box was built (except for our nightly walks down at the river) but i guess she's decided i'm really TERRIBLE company now. she usually saunters in and tries to lick my trigger fingers while i'm in the middle of a really tricky fight. how do they know exactly when it would be LEAST convenient for them to do that?!?!?!

the coolest, shiniest, whirliest thing on the computer, though, has GOT to be the case fan. i mentioned in my last post that i actually had to buy one, which i did, and it's got colored LED lights in it, so the front of my computer glows like a little rainbow factory. yea! it's mesmerizing...

mesmerizing... shiny... whirly... *snaps out of it* **POP!!**

yeah, so as i was saying, i really like the computer. i had to make a pot of stew (for barter) and buy two nights worth of takeout to get it running, but it's up and running now. the food was all part of that i-don't-know-how-to-do-it-by-myself-but-i-know-how-to-get-it-done thing... thanks, jaasper!

and now, back to WoW

BOX BITS IMMINENT!!!

so, in a recent (semi-tragic, way too dramatic, i'm-better-off-now-thanks) breakup, i lost my computer. this may not be apparent from my posts, but i'm a bit of a computer nerd. and a word nerd, and a music nerd, and a scotch nerd, and a wine nerd... but i digress. anyway, sans box, i've been forced to rely on my father's very old, very slow, very $hitty laptop hand-me-down for my home computing needs. this is such an unpleasant situation that i stay away from the computer a lot, and that makes me sad. :( so i'm building myself a kit from scratch, all the way up to mouse/monitor/keyboard and all the way down to case/motherboard/cpu. i even had to buy a case fan!

anyway, my dad and mom asked me this weekend if i know HOW to build my own computer. and i replied, 'yeeeeeees. well, no, but i know how to get it done.' (and isn't that the true definition of power?) so i went to church with my godsons and left their father in charge of specifying a computer for me. and he did. and it was gewd. so the box bits have been ordered, and they're en route to me...

all that was left was for me to shop for a mouse/keyboard/monitor that suited my needs. so i found a slick keyboard that's backlit, but not too much. the mouse was an easy decision. i'm totally hooked on those trackman marble mice with the scroll-wheel. (you have NO IDEA how hard it is to work without a scroll wheel when you're used to having one!) so.. (well, maybe you do, but i hope you don't. it's bad. never try to go cold-turkey off a scrolling mouse.) all that was left, then, was to buy a monitor. [cue the creepy music... dun-dun-duuuunnnnn]

that was a much bigger deal than i originally anticipated. i thought i'd just get a nice cheap crt monitor, but my inner lust for things shiny, cool, and new won out. i started researching the lcd's and found that most of the really up-to-date hardware review sites (like tom's hardware guide and anandtech but NOT LIKE the bottomfeeders AT CNET) recommended a 19" lcd for game-playing. and the new, fast 19" ones (which are starting to be cheap now) can be had for about the same price as a new CRT in the 21" size. given that you get the same screen real estate from a 21" crt and a 19" lcd, and that a 19" lcd frees up a LOT of room on your desktop, that was an easy call. unfortunately, that was the last easy part. lots and lots of clicks later (no, really, i'm a geek who likes doing product research, and i'm worn out by this particular research venture) i settled on the viewsonic vp191b. unfortunately, it's hard to find in stores. :( luckily, and again, many miles and hours later, i was able to find the next one down the product line, the vx924 on sale at compusa today. so i'm going there directly to buy it! yea! geeky stuff!

and with all that done, i'm ready for my box bits to arrive. so i wait, impatiently... i'm not good at waiting.

weekend-o-rama

so i went to a pool party this weekend. many were the lovely ladies, few were the fabulous fellas, but the few represented well. we listened to some live music by our friends "Kool-Aid". they'll be playing at Grrrl Jam in a few weeks, so they practiced on us. hot!

my dog is a complete spazz. it sounds kinda silly to diagnose your dog with a personality disorder, but if you'd ever seen my dog play fetch, you would find yourself diagnosing the same thing. she's obsessed with fetch. she literally played running/swimming fetch from about 2pm until full dark at the pool party. she'd wear one person out and move to another... round and round the crowd until it got too dark to see the ball. she still wanted to play after that, but nobody wanted to throw for her. the crazy part is that she wasn't tired at all! i went indoors and took a nap halfway through the party. the heat and sun can wear you down, and i got really sleepy. my dog, on the other hand, was still an energizer bunny at 1 AM when we left. for the past three years, people have been assuring me that she would calm down "in a year or so". i no longer believe it. i think she's going to be wound tighter than a clock spring for the rest of MY days. i just hope she can find a good home where they'll either let her play a lot of fetch or get her some therapy when i croak off. the party people have demanded a photograph of my dog sleeping, because they want proof that she actually does it...

fairyland!

is it just me or are these two the cutest little fairies you've ever seen? those are my nieces, in the little fairy tutus that their nana bought them. my sis insists that she's going to photograph them in those things about once a month, as a cute way of marking their growth. we'll see. my dad thinks the bottom left image should have the caption "i told my mom i wanted the blue tutu, but she gave me the stinkin' purple one! i'll get my revenge... wait'll she changes my diaper."

nannyin'

well, i spent a week helping out with my sister's new twin girls. whew! for the last two nights i've been home waking up at midnight to feed them. :) they are, of course, not at my house and my dog is starting to think i need to go to a sleep lab. she looks reproachfully at me in the wee hours while i'm sitting up with the lights on. a couple more nights of sleep deprivation oughta put me to rights, though: i'll be ready to crash with the sunSET instead of the sunRISE.

i'm diggin' my place. i took my dog to the office with me at lunch to do some errands and check mail. everybody was friendly to her and she got a peanut butter cookie as a treat for being so good while she was in there. happy dog, happy dog, happy happy dog dog!

i got my internet turned on at home last night, so i'll be able to post from there from now on. i just had some idle moments at work while waiting for my boss to get out of a meeting so i could confer with him about the latest boggle.

sex muscles...

so, i entered the bar last night and in response to the question, "How was rock climbing?", i replied that it was good for my sex muscles, but i was sore. then i flexed my hands and wrists and fingers to demonstrate... this made a bigger splash than i intended but afterward i had lots of wimmin to talk to, so i guess it was for the good. :)

now it's just a little hard to type, but i'm looking forward to trying my hands (and feet, and abs, and back, and legs, and arms) at climbing again.

i'm off to spend the weekend floating the river with my sister and her buddies. then i'll be auntie-ing for the following week. a nice little vacation, although it's unpaid time off. i'll be enjoying the r&r, regardless.

moving day...

sleep deprivation is a bad thing, kids. don't try this at home!

so i slept little, worked a lot, and had a little fun over the weekend. it was good, all in all. there was some lesbian ex-girlfriend drama, but nothing i couldn't handle. last night, i slept like a dead body for about 12 hours, and i woke up fresh as a daisy today. of course, i overslept a bit, and was late for work, but i'll put in an extra hour at the end of the day and erase that transgression.

the reason i slept so little over the weekend was that i had a gar(b)age sale to unload all the shtuff i didn't want to move. and then when i had finished the garbage sale, i had to pack all the shtuff that i DID want to move. you never realize how much shtuff you've accumulated until you have to move it.

this was my second "grown up" move where movers are carrying my things, instead of me and u-haul doing it all. unfortunately, there has been one do-it-yourself move in between, so i had lots of time and several trips to do that one in. moving is very different when you have to put everything in boxes and then stack it all in your living room, compared to packing a bunch of stuff, loading it, moving it, coming back, packing more stuff... when there's a big pile of boxes in your living room, a neurological condition sets in and blinds you to the smaller piles of things you have lying around: tape, tea, dog bowls, cleaning supplies under the sink... my landlady has called twice to ask me what i wanted done with the various bits of shtuff that didn't quite make it into boxes. :( i was so proud of myself for getting it all done, and now it turns out i didn't quite get it ALL done.

ah, well... the movers will be carrying it all here and unloading it for me soon. and then, i can UNPACK. unpacking (you can call me weird if you want to) is something i rather ENJOY. i like the organization part of it... of figuring out how best to set up my house so that i can get to the things i need frequently, as well as having access to the things i need infrequently without them getting in the way. i'm also terrifically relieved that i DIDN'T try to move my fridge, because on inspection of my place yesterday, i doubt it would have fit. i've got a much smaller fridge in my apartment than what i've been using at home. that's not a problem, because my fridge at home rather looked like the bachelorette fridge that it was... three jars of pickles, four beers, and some expired lunch meat, a bunch of condiments in the door. there was little of actual nutritive value in it. :) a smaller fridge will make it look like i've got more food in there.

so... just now to wait until the movers arrive to fill my place with my stuff. whew.