Sunday, February 05, 2006

I Tried.

I tried to pour my light into your darkness, to fill it up, to lift you and light you and show you your own light. You were a crystal cave that my spark could awaken to fiery color, to dazzle.

I didn't have enough light. Your darkness needed every spark I had, needed more the more I gave. I wanted so much to give, I would have died to give it all to you, and

You couldn't let me go out for more light. You relied so much on me, you didn't have your own to give.
You wouldn't let me refill myself, and so I could never fill you.

We both went dark.

I tried.

I tried.

When I was cold, alone in complete darkness, underground, when no light was left in me -- you asked more even then. I was dead. My eyes were dead, my heart was a rock. It wasn't numb. It had never felt, forgot living and warmth and the light. How could you ask for more from me then? Where was I to get it? I didn't even remember what the light looked like.

Knowing I couldn't give you what you needed... it broke me.

For you, for my beloved, if I had it to give, if I'd had to scrape it out of my own heart with my own dying hand and leave myself a weeping wound to get it,


I used to shine.

I used to glow.

I remember it now, although I didn't then.

I used to light a hundred souls who returned that light, reflected and strengthened. I always had enough for myself, for everyone who wanted any, for everyone who needed, for friends and lovers and family and beloved. Always some reflected and some didn't, but there was always enough.

You took it all. You took from wanters, needers, myself, friends, family, everyone. Your dark swallowed me until no reflections came back to me. Enclosed, I tried to pour my remaining light into you. I tried to make you glow, so we could shine on each other. I was a gambler trying to recover a lifetime of savings with her last chip. I wanted to see the crystal cave lit from inside, to see you sparkle and shine and give back to me what I gave to you.

I tried.

I tried.

I tried.

And now,
for taking from me so carelessly,
for asking more from me than I had to give,
for swallowing me up,
for taking from me all I had,
for using me,
i hate you.

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