Friday, October 28, 2005

odd dream night...

so my dad came over yesterday, and like the knight in shining armor he is, he cleaned my kitchen, walked my dog, bought me nukeable groceries and sick food and got me one or two things he knows i love to eat for when i'm feeling better.

yea, dad! you rock the house!

i had some really bizarre dreams last night. they're a little too personal for blogging the events, but some of the themes are probably worth discussing here. back to the nature of attraction: the star character in my dream was someone i admire deeply. she has the courage of her convictions in spite of a hostile environment and a stark lack of support in those convictions from most of the people around her. she and i were roommates in the air force academy, and i only wish we could have kept in closer contact since then. we catch up periodically, but i would love to know more about her and how her life is going. i was about to say that, ironically, in spite of my admiration for her, i've never desired her romantically. thinking on it, though, i don't think that's so ironic. i've got a pretty well-honed gaydar, and i have never yet set my sights on someone who was straight. if i admire someone that much, and still don't have any romantic inclinations toward her, it's because she's absolutely 100% straight. so, it's not ironic that i've never wanted more from her than friendship, it's telling.

that said, in my dream, she did something i really don't admire: she had an abortion. i know for some people, in some situations, it's the only thing to do. i know sometimes, it's the right thing to do. i know it's rarely an easy decision. but in my dream, she (very uncharacteristically) treated the abortion as a joking matter. she talked about using the "social cache" of motherhood to get special treatment from people, to manipulate people, and then aborted the pregnancy and played it up as a miscarriage for more sympathy and special treatment. the woman i roomed with would never behave like that, but dreaming about it has put the issue at the forefront of my processor today.

i support, politically speaking, every woman's right to control her own reproductive processes and to terminate a pregnancy if she is not prepared to see it through. i don't want any desperate 15-year old girl dying in a back alley under a dirty knife because she had no legal recourse to a clean, safe procedure she was going to have anyway. i feel the same way i do about this as i do about HIV -- i don't want anyone to have to die because they were ill-informed about prevention.

i know that means that i am supporting every woman's ability to have an abortion in any way and with whatever attitude she happens to have. i just wish i could impress upon each and every woman the significance i impart to motherhood, and the way other women like me wish for it. my sister risked her life, literally, to have children. her delivery required some 30 people attending to ensure her safety and that of her girls... she has a complicated medical history and we were all terrifically relieved to see them all survive, let alone thrive as they have. i wish that every woman who can't keep her own baby would be selfless enough to carry that baby to term and see it into the hands of a family who wants it desperately.

so, politically, and realistically, i understand that because i support a woman's ability to safely and legally abort a pregnancy i am also allowing abortion to be taken as seriously or as lightly as the woman in question takes it. i can't impose my point of view on anyone and i usually don't want to, but some days, i wish i could.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

sick sucks

I just tried to forage up something to eat. Unfortunately, I'm out of nukable food, so I was going to boil some rice or noodles or something equally bland that has a reasonable chance of making a one-way trip through my body. Yeah, so I get to the kitchen and realize I've been sick and/or traveling for too long, because I have no clean pans. I tried unloading the dishwasher so I could load it and wash some pans (because I guarantee I'm NOT up to scrubbing them out by hand, sorry Dad...) and that went very badly. So I'm back at the computer, trying to heat water with the phenomenal powers of my mind... and that's not working much better. Actually, I could probably just use my fevered forehead as a hotplate and cook something in a Pyrex dish. Hmmm... delirium or genius? Always a fine line...

Blergh. Back to bed, then.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


i'm sick. :( bleh. i'm going back to bed now, i just wanted to post out there to the whole world that i feel pretty fscking rotten right now. pour sympathy on me anytime you feel like it, thanks.

p.s. thanks, jerry, for walking molly last night. the sprite helped me, too.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

"Queer Eye for the Label-Transcending Pantheon" OR: "An Intelligent Design Theory Even I Can Support"

This is the work of Paul Rudnick of the New Yorker and is listed on their web site thusly:

Issue of 2005-09-26
Posted 2005-09-19

Day No. 1:

And the Lord God said, “Let there be light,” and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, “Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?”

“I’m loving that,” said Buddha. “It’s new.”

“You should design a restaurant,” added Allah.

Day No. 2:

“Today,” the Lord God said, “let’s do land.” And lo, there was land.

“Well, it’s really not just land,” noted Vishnu. “You’ve got mountains and valleys and—is that lava?”

“It’s not a single statement,” said the Lord God. “I want it to say, ‘Yes, this is land, but it’s not afraid to ooze.’ ”

“It’s really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas,” put in Apollo. “It’s, like, minimalism, only with scale.”

“But—brown?” Buddha asked.

“Brown with infinite variations,” said the Lord God. “Taupe, ochre, burnt umber—they’re called earth tones.”

“I wasn’t criticizing,” said Buddha. “I was just noticing.”

Day No. 3:

“Just to make everyone happy,” said the Lord God, “today I’m thinking oceans, for contrast.”

“It’s wet, it’s deep, yet it’s frothy; it’s design without dogma,” said Buddha, approvingly.

“Now, there’s movement,” agreed Allah. “It’s not just ‘Hi, I’m a planet—no splashing.’ ”

“But are those ice caps?” inquired Thor. “Is this a coherent vision, or a highball?”

“I can do ice caps if I want to,” sniffed the Lord God.

“It’s about a mood,” said the Angel Moroni, supportively.

“Thank you,” said the Lord God.

Day No. 4:

“One word,” said the Lord God. “Landscaping. But I want it to look natural, as if it all somehow just happened.”

“Do rain forests,” suggested a primitive tribal god, who was known only as a clicking noise.

“Rain forests here,” decreed the Lord God. “And deserts there. For a spa feeling.”

“Which is fresh, but let’s give it glow,” said Buddha. “Polished stones and bamboo, with a soothing trickle of something.”

“I know where you’re going,” said the Lord God. “But why am I seeing scented candles and a signature body wash?”

“Shut up,” said Buddha.

“You shut up,” said the Lord God.

“It’s all about the mix,” Allah declared in a calming voice. “Now let’s look at some swatches.”

Day No. 5:

“I’d like to design some creatures of the sea,” the Lord God said. “Sleek but not slick.”

“Yes, yes, and more yes—it’s a total gills moment,” said Apollo. “But what if you added wings?”

“Fussy,” whispered Buddha to Zeus. “Why not epaulets and a sash?”

“Legs,” said Allah. “Now let’s do legs.”

“Are we already doing dining-room tables?” asked the Lord God, confused.

“No, design some creatures with legs,” said Allah. So the Lord God, nodding, designed an ostrich.

“First draft,” everyone agreed, and so the Lord God designed an alligator.

“There’s gonna be a waiting list,” Zeus murmured appreciatively.

“Now do puppies!” pleaded Vishnu. “And kitties!”

“Ooooo!” all the gods cooed. Then, feeling a bit embarrassed, Zeus ventured, “Design something more practical, like a horse or a mule.”

“What about a koala?” asked the Lord God.

“Much better,” Zeus declared, cuddling the furry little animal. “I’m going to call him Buttons.”

Day No. 6:

“Today I’m really going out there,” said the Lord God. “And I know it won’t be popular at first, and you’re all gonna be saying, ‘Earth to Lord God,’ but in a few million years it’s going to be timeless. I’m going to design a man.”

And everyone looked upon the man that the Lord God designed.

“It has your eyes,” Zeus told the Lord God.

“Does it stack?” inquired Allah.

“It has a naïve, folk-artsy, I-made-it-myself vibe,” said Buddha. The Inca sun god, however, only scoffed. “Been there. Evolution,” he said. “It’s called a shaved monkey.”

“I like it,” protested Buddha. “But it can’t work a strapless dress.” Everyone agreed on this point, so the Lord God announced, “Well, what if I give it nice round breasts and lose the penis?”

“Yes,” the gods said immediately.

“Now it’s intelligent,” said Aphrodite.

“But what if I made it blond?” giggled the Lord God.

“And what if I made you a booming offscreen voice in a lot of bad movies?” asked Aphrodite.

Day No. 7:

“You know, I’m really feeling good about this whole intelligent-design deal,” said the Lord God. “But do you think that I could redo it, keeping the quality but making it at a price point we could all live with?”

“I’m not sure,” said Buddha. “You mean, what if you designed a really basic, no-frills planet? Like, do the man and the woman really need all those toes?”

“Hello!” said the Lord God. “Clean lines, no moving parts, functional but fun. Three bright, happy, wash ’n’ go colors.”

“Swedish meets Japanese, with maybe a Platinum Collector’s Edition for the geeks,” Buddha decided.

“Done,” said the Lord God. “Now let’s start thinking about Pluto. What if everything on Pluto was brushed aluminum?”

“You mean, let’s do Neptune again?” said Buddha.

Monday, October 24, 2005

much mo bettah...

I'm feeling drastically improved this morning. I think yesterday's icky-ness must have been caused by the yogurt. (Note to self: throw away the expired yogurt when you get home!)

So I posted last night about the greatness that was the weekend, but I don't think I was enthusiastic enough about it. On reflection, this was an absolute stand-out of a weekend, and I don't think I've enjoyed myself so much in some time. Most of my recent weekends have included a large chunk of time in which I did "stuff" that was important to someone else, and I was obliged to do it or volunteered to do it for some valid reason. Still, the greatest thing about this weekend was that I only did things that I REALLY WANTED TO DO and I had the opportunity to do them with the people I most wanted to see and spend time with.

I would have loved to add Meg, Nancy, Brody, and Eve to the list of people I got to hang out with this weekend, but I would have needed 27 hour days to make that happen. I'll catch them next time, I hope.

Yea! Poingity-Poingy-Poing-Poing-Poing! What an outstandingly great weekend! Even though it was enforced by borderline food poisoning, I thoroughly enjoyed the 15 hours of sleep I got last night. Maybe that's part of why I'm feeling so good today... I'm well rested for the first time in a long time.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Bloggy blog

So I realized tonight that my blog has recently taken a very Live-Journal-esque twist. I don't think everyone wants to read my deep personal introspections, so I'm going to start myself a live journal for that stuff, and get back to blogging on Blogspot.

That said, tonight's not a great night for blogging. I think I got into some bad yogurt today because I got pukey while teaching my LSAT class. I had to call the class off early and now I've gotta find some time to make up the missed session with my students. I feel positively foul, but I'm up and typing because I simply couldn't lie in bed any longer.

I had a great weekend, and I'll put up a photo of it as soon as Emilie sends it to me. [post edit: as promised, a photo! this is "before". unfortunately, i don't have any during or after pics.] I went to Austin for the Valkyries' Oil Wrestling fundraiser. I used to play rugby with the Valks when I lived in Austin, and I was invited back to wrestle as a guest. :) Thanks, ladies, it was fun!

Bonus prize: I got to hang out with my baby sister at her new house in Spicewood. It's such a precious place and she's rightfully proud of it. My dog likes it out there, too. We went for a nice walk Saturday morning when I woke up to Molly licking my nose. Not a subtle hinter, that dog. Next time I go, Molly will hopefully be able to swim and i can take her all the way down to the lake. She's still recovering from a bad cut on the bottom of her foot, so we couldn't get in the water this time. I just loved being able to walk the dog without a leash and a poop bag and all the uptight-ness that goes along with walking a big dog "in town". I know I'm an urbanite at this point in my life, and probably will be for a good while yet, but there are some things about rural life I miss.

Almostly finally, I got to hang out and have breakfast after oil wrestling with some of my favorite people on the planet. I love to see my friends in good, happy, healthy, complementary relationships. Furthermore, cream-cheese-artichoke-heart enchiladas with lemon-cream sauce ROCK THE HOUSE. Thanks, Magnolia Cafe, for eternally good food and servers who are nice to you even when you ARE drunk and sleepy and mostly incoherent at 3 AM.

Friday, October 21, 2005

confidential to "squirt"

I'm thinking of you. I'm proud of you. You have taken control and are taking care of yourself, and that makes you unfuckwithable. *HUGS AND SUPPORT*

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

a finer caliber

first, a confessional: my embarrassing revelation, which came before the quoted segment of the IM conversation in the last blog entry was that i had wanted to kiss "HER:" during a previous evening together, but had been uncertain how it'd be received and so had refrained. i got a small ration of shit for posting her "embarrassing bits" but not mine. personally, i thought i did plenty of self-embarrassment by posting the conversation in the first place, but now, hopefully, we're even.

second, to put too fine a point on this ramble about "all that matters", here goes:

ME: that's by far the least embarrassing course of action. :) but sometimes you have to hang it out there and embarrass yourself to get what you want.

you do, sometimes, have to embarrass yourself to get what you want. as the old saying goes: nothing ventured, nothing gained. at some point, at some level, in order to get anywhere in a romantic encounter, you have to make a move. you have to start a gambit, and that gambit has to leave your defenses down somewhere, and that makes you vulnerable to embarrassment at best, pain at worst. vulnerability has its cost, but its reward is that it creates the possibility of a truly open and soulful connection. you have to risk the pain and embarrassment to reap the reward, no way around it. as i once told a dear friend: "i know you've developed a really good suit of armor, but sometimes you have to stick your nose out there and look around. if it gets chopped off, you can find a plastic surgeon. if it doesn't, you might get kissed." i later chopped his nose off, but he found a plastic surgeon and we managed to stay friends.

ME: i'm so much more flustered by women than i am by men, and i think it's largely because i care more about the women. if it doesn't work out with a guy, or if we get our signals crossed, i can drop him like a dirty kleenex, and not be bothered overmuch by the loss.

this isn't entirely accurate. i don't want any men who find themselves reading this to think i'm heartless or that i don't care or that i equate them with snotty, germy disposable paper products. i was trying to make a point, so i exaggerated to emphasize it. now, with that said, the point still stands. i'm just more interested in women at this point in my life than i am in men. i care more about the outcome of my interactions with women, so i get more flustered, more worried. the infamous, anonymous "HER:" was more concerned about how the women would react and whether or not she'd hurt them. that's really not something i spend much time worrying about. i have a plan for dealing with it in any given situation, which is to communicate clearly and openly about what i want and what i'm willing to give. if i feel like the other person isn't reading my communication correctly, or if i feel like they're not capable of working with the want/need/willing scenario, i avoid getting entangled. that's a longtime operating procedure for me, so i don't spend time worrying about it at this point.
HER: well just look at us biologically (if that's even a word) and it makes complete for men is OUTSIDE of them, it is external. for women it is literally letting someone inside you - that has to affect your emotions about it in some way.
ME: it does. i think it's hormonal, too, at some level. <-- this is a new theory based on discussions with one of my trans friends.

i don't have a whole lot more to say about this, because it's a raw theory and i only have a tiny bit of anecdotal evidence behind it. i think the hormones have something to do with it, more than i gave them credit for before. testosterone has a powerful differentiating force. society and physiognomy play a role, too, in people's feelings about sex and certainly one can't generalize for the population as a whole or for either sex in particular. however, the stereotypes about how personally men and women take sex exist for a reason and they serve as a good starting point for a discussion.
HER: i joke that i wish i could take sex more casually but in truth i'm glad i don't.
ME: yeah? i get that. on the one hand, it would be nice from the "frequently satisfied" perspective. but, on the other hand, you risk a slutty reputation and leaving yourself open to bad experiences and lesbian drama.

seriously, yo. i'm not going to go into my ideas about why people gossip or what they get out of it, but i've certainly learned to keep my private stuff private. i'm not embarrassed, ashamed, bothered, worried, or shy about being a sexually active adult. i take care of my health and safety, i aim for quality over quantity, and i am responsible with other people's feelings. that said, i don't need everybody to know who's on my "list", because i know the way the rumor mill works, and i know what i've seen happen to women who didn't keep their DL on the DL. word gets around, and stuff that should NEVER EVER get you in trouble is suddenly getting you into either trouble or drama or both. so i strive to keep my shiznit to myself (yea, journaling!), certain lapses in judgment notwithstanding. i don't think anyone really gets to live a drama-free live, unless maybe they're a hermit. keeping things to myself certainly doesn't keep me from getting caught up in the drama on occasion, but NOT keeping it to myself has proven to be a certain invitation to front-center-stage-drama, which is the worst kind.
ME: nope. me, either. at one level, sex is just sex for me, it's a physical thing and that's fun and i'm glad to have it as long as it's good. on another, it can be an emotional, soulful connection with somebody, and i don't want to go spreading that around too thinly.

this is the very heart of my outlook on sex. i have two very different types of sex, and they do different things for me emotionally. physically, they're identical. i may have to come back to this topic later, because i feel like i have a lot more to say about it, but for now that's all i can articulate clearly.
i've got a very good compartmentalizer in my emotional makeup, so i can keep those two things separated, but i find it's hard for me to have both kinds of sex with the same person. if it's sex, it's just sex. if we make love, we make love, but i can't go back and forth.

this was the true gem of self-discovery from this conversation. i had already defined for myself the separation between sex and lovemaking (i know that's a slightly cheesy, heavily loaded term, but it conveys the idea as well as i know how. i hope the distinction is apparent.) and how they work differently for me. i had never thought about the possibility that i could have both kinds of sex with a single partner. i have and i'm sure will again go from physical sex to emotionally-involved sex with one person. i've never gone the other way, and don't think i could.
that's why i'm completely baffled by the people who have booty calls with their exes. once i've severed that sort of emotional bond with someone, i can't go back and have a purely physical experience with them.

i need to revise this significantly. i DO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND how people go back to their exes for booty calls. the kernel of physical attraction that was a part of the relationship doesn't always end when the emotional entanglement ends. (don't ask me how i know that!) if i were to let my zipper make the decision, i could certainly end up in the sack with an ex. however, it would be a HUGE strain on my compartmentalizer and i think at some point (probably after some mugging and heavy petting) i'd bow out. the reason i haven't/don't/won't end up banging an ex is that i don't let my zipper make my decisions for me. so, that said, i UNDERSTAND it, i just don't DO it.

Monday, October 17, 2005

...that caliber a confessional conversation...

so i had an unusually deep IM conversation with a friend i'm going out with tonight. i guess she's something more than a friend, at this point. she's a crush. i was going to cut and paste bits of the conversation and turn them into a regular blog post, and i still might. but for now, to get my post started, is the conversation, mostly as it occurred. there are some temporal skips i've rearranged, and i've erased names of people where it was appropriate to do so.

HER: i wanted dinner to be a date but didn't know if it was a date because it's hard to tell if it is hanging out or a i always err on the side of caution...
ME: that's by far the least embarassing course of action. :) but sometimes you have to hang it out there and embarass yourself to get what you want.
HER: i consulted my wise lesbian friend [name removed] to find out how you know the difference. i caught a lot of shit for that.
ME: LOL. what did she say was the difference?
HER: i don't feel that i got a good answer....she asked me how I felt about it and what I thought about you which has nothing to do with if it is reciprocated and a date or not so i walked away thinking that the wise lesbian sage might just be a babbling old lady. :) her answer was that it boiled down to intent...if my intention was to get to know you and see if I like-like you then it is a date.
ME: yeah, i agree with her. that's about it. :)
HER: brother - dating men was so much easier - you knew for sure. i don't ever remember wondering if i was going on a date or just hanging out.
ME: indeed. it's not hard to tell with them, for some reason. women are SOOOOO frickin' ambiguous.
HER: and i'm so much more forward w/men than i am w/women. i guess because they are easier to read.
ME: i'm so much more flustered by women than i am by men, and i think it's largely because i care more about the women. if it doesn't work out with a guy, or if we get our signals crossed, i can drop him like a dirty kleenex, and not be bothered overmuch by the loss.
HER: agreed. i'm very aware when dating women that they feel more and differently than men would. men can shrug it off easier too - women have a harder time...part of the reason i wouldn't do anything with young hot [2nd name removed]- if it were a guy i wouldn't have a moral dillema, they are better at compartmentalizing than women are...ah! i have a back in a bit.
HER: so where were we...
ME: women don't compartmentalize as well as men do. and they don't separate sex from love as well as men do.
HER: well just look at us biologically (if that's even a word) and it makes complete for men is OUTSIDE of them, it is external. for women it is literally letting someone inside you - that has to affect your emotions about it in some way.
ME: it does. i think it's hormonal, too, at some level. <-- this is a new theory based on discussions with one of my trans friends.
HER: really? more please...did their feelings about it change after being on hormones?
ME: yes. he became very interested in porn, for one thing. and he used to be the type who had to be in LOVE with anyone he slept with. now, he can just fsck for fun, and love is a whole other game.
HER: well huh. that's very interesting. maybe i need a little more testosterone.
ME: :) i like you all estrogenated, thanks. testosterone also gave him acne, road rage and chest hair.
HER: well then nevermind...i think i'll stay the girly girl i am. :)
ME: yeah, probably for the best. no woman i know needs help growing hair on her chest. :)
HER: i joke that i wish i could take sex more casually but in truth i'm glad i don't.
ME: yeah? i get that. on the one hand, it would be nice from the "frequently satisfied" perspective. but, on the other hand, you risk a slutty reputation and leaving yourself open to bad experiences and lesbian drama.
HER: drama. yuck. not a fan.
ME: nope. me, either. at one level, sex is just sex for me, it's a physical thing and that's fun and i'm glad to have it as long as it's good. on another, it can be an emotional, soulful connection with somebody, and i don't want to go spreading that around too thinly. i've got a very good compartmentalizer in my emotional makeup, so i can keep those two things separated, but i find it's hard for me to have both kinds of sex with the same person. if it's sex, it's just sex. if we make love, we make love, but i can't go back and forth. that's why i'm completely baffled by the people who have booty calls with their exes. once i've severed that sort of emotional bond with someone, i can't go back and have a purely physical experience with them.
HER: that makes sense...i don't know how well my compartmentalizer works these days - i've been a serial monogamist for a while so i haven't tried it out...and probably lean much more to the emotional that the sport side...sporting still requires a level of trust to me - any time i've had a sport buddy it's been a friend that i trust but that there is a detachment emotionally.
ME: wow. self-discovery moment. until i typed that out, i'd never really thought about why i was so boggled by stories of people sleeping with their exes. yeah. if you're going to have a regular sport buddy, it has to be someone you have a level of respect and trust with, i would imagine. i've never had one, so i don't know. :)
HER: i've never had a female i don't know how well that would work. my male sporting buddy was in my 20's and someone that i really cared about and respected but we were long-time friends and when we moved on it was clean and fine...i think it was an exception rather than something i could see repeating again. i think these days sleeping with someone who didn't want to date me would be bad for my self-image.
ME: really? even if you didn't want to date the other person, either? what if it was mutual?
HER: well i can't really see me wanting to sleep with someone i don't want to date...i don't know...i haven't thought it through that well. there could be a circumstance where it would be OK - but in general i think it would translate in to my head that i'm good enough for a romp but not good enough for dating...but that's not how i would think of the other person so basically i'm just writing about stuff that hasn't come up in a long time and i don't really know how i'd feel about it.
ME: this is all pretty deep for IM. i almost feel like i'm journaling, having to write out how i feel about subjects i've never spent a lot of time defining my position on.
HER: if i had the same situation again that i had before it would be OK - that was fun and it worked...
ME: understood. i'm defining my position as i go, as well. i've never had a sport buddy, so i'm not qualified to comment. :) i've envisioned situations in which it could work, and that was the defining characteristic i came up with: we would have to be mutually attracted but in agreement on the fact that we didn't want to date for whatever reason.
HER: ...but i'm a more guarded person now than i was then so i don't know if it would work now...being guarded is something i've decided to get rid of in my life so we'll see...not sure how that will change me.
ME: i applaud the effort.
HER: effort of dropping guards?
HER: or efforts of getting a sport buddy. :)
ME: it's hard to let your defenses down, because it's scary as hell. it's also the most rewarding thing you can ever do, because there is nothing like the feeling you get from a totally truly open connection with a worthy soul.
HER: that's very true. i used to say that the worst that could happen was that i'd get hurt and i've been hurt before and i lived through it just fine ...i liked that attitude...
ME: it's a good one to have.
HER: ...but this last year i've been closed off and unwilling to really just be's time to go back to being my true self and not my scared self. but a smarter self who is better at judging who is worthy and who isn't.
ME: sometimes that defensive phase is part of healing, though. you HAVE to withdraw so you can get your balance back and be open in a healthy way.
HER: that's true. and when healing it is easy to transfer feelings rather than develop them.
ME: hrmm... what do you mean by that?
ME: (in the style of : curious, not snidely challenging)
HER: so you are in the healing process and are far enough along to step out there and start dating...
ME: k
HER: ...if you haven't put up some distance or a bit of a wall, when you start developing feelings/interest in someone, you run the risk of transferring the unresolved feelings for your ex (because you are in the healing process still) on to the person you are seeing...
ME: oh, yes. i get that. i've been on the receiving end of that before.
HER: ...instead of developing them for that person by that person's merits without the past tagging along. so while it makes it hard to be open to others, it also keeps you from bringing whatever it is you're still working on to the next experience.
ME: yeah.
HER: i have too. (been on the receiving end) - it's a weird feeling to know that what they are feeling so intensely has nothing to do with you.
ME: exactly. i had no idea where this rage in my ex was coming from, or why she kept going back to mistrusting me... i finally figured out that it was baggage, not ME.
HER: i know everyone has their baggage, everyone brings their past in to some extent - it's just really important to me to make peace with the past so it doesn't harm my future.
ME: yup. there's a fine line to walk between learning from past mistakes and being haunted by them. it's a delicate balance.
HER: i did a good job of that after [3rd name removed], but i did a lousy job of allowing myself to feel. my actions were great, my communication was excellent, but my heart and head were so disconnected...and i don't like to be unbalanced like that and think i learned a lot from those experiences and can apply the lessons.
HER: goodness, this really is like a journal IM.
ME: i know. i almost feel like i should save the chatlog and put it in my blog. (change names to protect the guilty, of course, and edit out the more embarassing bits) i don't think i will, but it's that caliber of confessional convo.
HER: you can. i don't care...except you should leave the embarassing things in for entertainment value. :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

body modification and body art...

i've been itching to get something else "done" lately. it's like when i've been away from theater or choir for too long, i get a bug and have to get back to it again. there's something in my soul that needs these things periodically. other examples of things i periodically need are:

  • mellow evenings with red wine
  • time on the ocean
  • alone time
  • buttered popcorn
  • challenging mental puzzles
  • recreational reading
  • action flicks
  • my godsons
  • FACE TIME with dear friends
  • camping
  • body art

i'm REALLY particular about tattoos. i know i'm not unique in this, but i point it out because there are also many people who aren't so inclined. many (especially in the 20 and 30-something age groups) see tattoos as a way to record their current events. i see tattoos as a way to immortalize those things which are eternal and DEEPLY personal. i have one tattoo. it's rich in symbology and says in about 4 different ways how crucial balance is to me. i see life, the universe, and everything as collections of opposing forces. i strive to understand what forces are involved and how to balance them in everything i do and everything i face. thus, my tattoo encapsulates my worldview in a single, elegant, beautiful display. if you would understand me, you must understand that display.

now, since i have the bug to do another tattoo or piercing, i'm thinking about symbology again. the problem with a tattoo right now is that i don't have anything i really WANT tattooed on me. i don't want to have permanent art affixed to my skin to satisfy a whim. :) so i'm leaning toward a piercing at this point, because i can take it out at any time.

a piercing presents its own complications, though, because i have to choose what (from the remaining available body parts) to pierce. facial piercings are not an option, as i have a RealJob (tm, pat pend) which demands that i deal with a clientele who are not amused by facial piercings. i have a very small, very unobtrusive nose stud, which marks me as a member of the freak fringe in my profession. i'm not going to be able to get away with an eyebrow, tongue, or lip piercing, EVER.

i could get a cartilage piercing on my upper ear, but that doesn't appeal to me for a few reasons. i have massively thick, outrageously curly hair which i wear long most of the time. i don't want my hair getting wrapped around, tangled in, or caught on an earring, and i don't want to accidentally yank on it every time i'm washing or styling or foofing with my hair. i've already given up on hoopy or dangly earrings for regular wear for this very reason. furthermore, i have two piercings in each of my earlobes already, and getting those didn't give me the same rush* that i get from other piercings or from my tattoo.

i can't get a navel ring because i've already had my navel pierced twice. it didn't heal up correctly either time, and now there's too much scar tissue in the piercing zone to be able to get a good piercing there. furthermore, after two unsuccessful piercings in that location, i don't really want to try it again. anyone who's ever had a piercing that developed a keloid or got infected or didn't heal cleanly knows what a phenomenal pain in the butt it is to care for one... i'm not keen to go through the labor of post-piercing care on it all over again, either.

my nipples are as pierced as they're ever going to get. in order to avoid sharing Too Much Information (tm, pat pend), i'll leave that statement hanging out there in glorious ambiguity. if you want to know what it means, you'll have to get to know me.

so, that pretty much leaves a hood piercing, which i'm not sold on, either. i've honestly never considered it a possibility until this round with "the bug". i don't know enough about the potential health effects or maintenance requirements or anything else to know if i want to get one.

so i'm doing cautious and skeptical research, and i'm taking suggestions for alternate locations that i haven't considered yet. any ideas? input? suggestions? i'm also looking for a good piercing artist in the d/fw metroplex. i have a lead on one down in the oak lawn neighborhood, but i haven't met her yet. i've also heard that deep ellum is a good place to go for that sort of thing, but again, i'm just starting my research, so i only have vague info at this point.

*rush - i think the main reason i get this bug for body mods is that i crave the rush i get during the process and after the art is done. it's a very intense high, comparable to the overall good feeling one gets from good sex or s'mores, but more concentrated. distilled is the word that comes to mind.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


i'm going camping this weekend with some friends at the rainbow ranch out near groesbeck. i don't think i've actually been in groesbeck since i was about 11 months old. apparently, my parents lived in a trailer there early in their marriage. my first christmas, and the place was so small the tree had to be placed outside.

at any rate, i'm thoroughly excited about the camping trip. the weather promises to be perfect and i love to sleep out under the stars. my dog also loves it, although she gets nutty if anyone in the campground tries to play any ball-based game in her field of view.

it's just been a long time since i went to sleep smelling of woodsmoke and i'm SO looking forward to it.

as if that weren't enough, i really enjoy the company i'm going with. good peeps, one and all, and some really special friends among them. we'd have fun no matter what we were doing, but camping just makes it even better.

now i've just gotta focus enough to get through today and tomorrow at work. i may explode with the anticipation! i'm already fidgeting at a higher frequency than usual... if you hear a sonic boom in the metroplex in the next 48 hours, it was me fidgeting through the sound barrier as the anticipation built up beyond reasonable levels.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

hair color meme!

Your Hair Should Be Purple

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional.
You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

on sex... (not in the fun way, in the anatomical way)

i have two transsexual (or transgender, or whatever term you prefer) friends that i consider myself close to, one who transitioned mtf and the other ftm, and i am stunned at how difficult little things in their lives are.

i'm thinking about it right now because another friend just posted a terrific message in a forum i frequent. here it is:

I am...

I am the guy who came out to the entire school in his senior speech and got a standing ovation for his courage.

I am the girl who kisses her girlfriend on the sidewalk and laughs at those who glare.

We are the couple who planned and studied and got a damn good lawyer and BEAT the state that wanted to take our child away.

We are the ones who took martial arts classes and carry pepper spray and are just too dangerous to gay bash.

I am the transgender person who uses the bathroom that suits me, and demands that any complaining staff explain their complaint to my face in front of the entire restaurant--and shares with my other trans friends which restaurants don't raise a stink.

I am the mother who told her lesbian daughter to invite her girlfriend over for dinner.

I am the father who punished his son for calling you a fag.

I am the preacher who told my congregation that love, not hate, is the definition of a true follower of God.

I am the girl who did not learn the meaning of "homosexual" until high school but never thought to question why two men might be kissing.

I am the woman who argues (quite loudly and vehemently) with the bigots who insist that you do not have the right to marry or raise children.

We are the high school class who agrees, unanimously, along with our teacher, that love should be all that matters.

If you agree, repost this. Do it. You don't have to be afraid. You can handle it. You're stronger than you think.

I am making a difference. Hate will not win.

so i've been thinking about the lives of my trans friends, and wishing there was something i could do to make it better or easier for them.

a simple example, something every one of us absolutely and totally takes for granted: which public bathroom to use. now that they're post-transition it's rarely a "big deal" to choose, but during the transition, it was HUGE. they never went into a public bathroom alone... for two years! if they went to the men's room and sat down to pee, they got strange and hostile looks, sometimes they were followed out and feared for their safety. if they went into the women's room, women would shriek and point and tell them they were in the wrong room, or whisper and giggle and make catty comments. these things didn't happen every single time, but it only has to happen once for you to fear it every time you put your hand on the door. living under that kind of apprehension of such a routine daily event is the stuff of PTSD.

another simple thing most people take for granted, like meeting and having a crush and dating... it's not that simple. at some point, you have to explain your history. when do you do that? do you introduce yourself that way? "hi, i'm kim. i'm a transwoman. cute shoes!" do you wait until you're into a date with them? "pass the breadsticks, please. in case you hadn't noticed, i'm a little on the butch side. well, that's because i was called ken until two years ago."

i'm bisexual, and i was recently lamenting the fact that i don't have "bi-dar" to go along with my "gay-dar". i can tell when women are amenable to a female advance, but i'm not good at telling with guys. in fact, i'm something of a "fag hag" and if i decide based on acquaintance-level knowledge that i'm interested in a man, chances are probably 70-30 he's gay. that doesn't hold true if i know the guys well, but that's a different story entirely and we don't have time to go into it in this post. count your blessings, gentle readers.

so, i was all set for a pity party about my absolutely absent sense of bi-dar, when i started talking about this to one of my trans friends. he's got it so much harder! how do you know whether someone is open to dating a transgendered person? there's no "open-minded-dar". if you've transitioned ftm, do you try to date lesbians or straight women? even someone who is very supportive of the political ideal and open-minded about the rights of trans-folk may not personally be interested in dating one. i know a woman who is very, very, politically lesbian. her lesbianism is a huge part of her identity, even though her attractions are pretty bisexual. she's also very supportive of the trans movement, but feels like she's undermining herself if she dates a transman. it's the ULTIMATE in the political open-mindedness scale, but it's the WORST political move to explain it. so from the outside, to people who don't know or investigate, it looks like she's sold out the party and started dating men, and is taking all the social and legal privileges that go along with that.

so that's why i'm writing all this, i guess... my ultimate aim is to humanize my transgendered friends in the minds of the people who read this. i want to take a stand and refuse to let hate and ignorance make life harder for them. would YOU date a transgendered person? you've probably never thought about it, but you should. you don't have to answer yes or no, just think about it. think about what it means, and if you don't know, do a little research. next time you see a "tranny" in the bar, don't refuse to make eye contact. don't shun him or her. if you're standing in line for a drink, make small talk, just like you would with anyone else. it matters. it makes a difference. it enriches your life.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

on affection...

so, i did one of those silly blog memes recently (it's the alphabet post below) and it asked for the name of my "crush".

my first reaction was: i don't have one. wow... i haven't had one in a LOOOONGG time. has it been years? am i even capable of crushing as an adult? i don't remember having a serious crush since high school...

and then i had a cup of coffee, and my brain juices started flowing, and i recalled that i have had a few crushes along the way. it has NOT been years. *whew* i had half convinced myself that my crush-inator had withered from disuse and was no longer functioning. wouldn't that SUCK?!?!?!?! it had been a while, but that's because i was in a relationship that had settled into a comfortable zone and crushing wasn't part of it anymore. further, i'm mindful of respecting my partner in such things, and since my partner was a monogamist, i was too. so for the duration of the relationship, i avoided putting myself in the path of crushing and never allowed any such feelings to take root.

so, with the subject in the forefront of my lobes, i headed out to the bar and to various social outings this weekend. there i discovered that my crush-inator is in fine form. functioning fluidly and furiously, i might add. :) maybe it's so just because i've been thinking and worrying about it, but i discovered that there are still lots of people i know, people i meet, and people i just brush past in the bar that can flick my bic.

so, i can say with authority i've got two torch-y lusts that have been smoldering for some time, one certifiably scorching crush that threatens to sever the connection between my vocabulary and my mouth on occasion, and one mind-fsck (in the good way) that i'm keeping on a back burner because the object of my affection is not available. no sense carrying a torch that's only going to burn me, so i just admire from a distance.

glad to know i've still got it. :)

Monday, October 03, 2005


so i went and saw "serenity" over the weekend. it took some phenomenal schedule-wrangling and my dog had to stay locked up in the apartment for about 12 hours as a result, but it was worth it all the way! (don't pity the dog too much, she got a fantastically long fetch/swim/walk before the confinement, and she threw all my clean clothes on the floor so she could bask in a sunbeam on the couch while i was gone)

anyway, without saying too much for those who haven't seen it, the movie was outstanding. it was beautifully shot, nicely paced, and with some terrific one-liner style intelligent humor. it also featured multi-dimensional characters with some goodness and some badness, scars and bumps and such. i thoroughly enjoyed it! highly recommended, whether you dig the love story, the sci-fi angle, the action-flick styling, or just the pretty actors.

i had a terrific time hangin' out with my old roommate thursday and friday, it was so good to see him again... and then i got to catch up with the austin rugby women on saturday, which was likewise fantastic. so many good things to be happy for. :)

and of course, there were good eats. :) i had green papaya on friday, cafe brazil on saturday, and panera on sunday. panera has this obscenely good portobello/mozarella sandwich with caramelized onions and other goodies on it... wow! i had crepes with feta, avocado, and mushroom at cafe brazil, and vietnamese vegetarian hot/sour soup at green papaya. i'm spoiled! i'm never going back to college station again!

on that note, i really AM going back to college station again, in mourning. my favorite mexican dive, gina's, is closing down, apparently. they made the most wonderful from-scratch tex-mex food ever... and they are closing down. *boohoo!* so i'll make a pilgrimmage to say goodbye to gina's, but i'm definitely a fan of the food options in the metroplex. yea!