melancholy

I recognize that very few people in my current life know much about her. That's odd to me, because for 4 years, she was the center of everything I did. I can't look back at that piece of my life without seeing her in almost every memory. I just wish I could look back on that time and say that the memories are good. Unfortunately, I can't, so I don't "go there" often.

I "knew" in an instinctive way that she and I were not going to last forever. I knew it in a way that I couldn't explain logically using words, and literal and literary as I am, that made it difficult for me to keep faith in the knowledge. It was easy to talk my way around it, because I could put that into words and I can believe in words laid out logically so much more fervently than I can an amorphous, instinctive idea. I don't know what words persuaded me that my instincts were wrong and that commitment and effort could rewrite the ending of us, but I was persuaded. So much of how our relationship evolved is lost to me. The changes were so slow, so small, so incremental that they don't even seem like changes at all.